Abusive Relationships

The man who abuses often sees events outside of himself as the cause of his emotional pain. He is unable to discuss the needs he feels, and he represses his emotions.

Day-to-day problems and conflicts create stress for him, but he lacks the skill to manage these problems. His inability to deal with conflicts and his sense of helplessness intensifies his low sense of self worth.

Eventually he releases the tension in an explosion targeted at someone whom he perceives as weaker or unable to retaliate—children, pets, property, or his partner.

Once his tension is released,

he may recognize that his anger was misdirected and irrational,

he may soon he may be remorseful,

he may be contrite,

he may ask for an opportunity to make amends.

However, usually in the process of making up he will often tell his partner that he would not have exploded if she had behaved in a different way. This is a not so subtle form of blaming and projection. The woman may be willing to assume responsibility for provoking her husband. The perpetrator's assignment of blame seems harmless or is accepted by the victim because she fears further violence.

Our experience leads us to believe that there are at least two general types of abusive and violent relationships. There are those in which an ordinary, healthy, functioning woman marries a man whose controlling behaviors escalate to battering. She suffers coercion and abuse, and who then becomes depressed, anxious, angry, or withdrawn.

The second type of violent relationship involves a marriage between two individuals who both bring a considerable number of problems into their present relationship.

Violent incidents may recur in cycles measured by days, months or years, depending on the severity of the man's dysfunction, the social and economic environment of the couple, and the woman's ability to manage or deny her spouse's level of violence.

If the woman decides to stay in the relationship, she begins to alter her behavior and personality.

As she shapes her personality to accommodate her mate, she sets aside any ideas, values, beliefs, and goals that are in conflict with his.

She begins to develop strategies to control situations so that she will not get abused or hit. In the end all of the strategies will fail because none of her changes can assuage her mate's internal pain.

The woman gradually loses touch with other sources of information, begins to experience her mate's behavior and demands as normal, and becomes as isolated as her mate.

He believes altering her behavior she could stop his pain if she wanted to and he continually changes his demands as he attempts to calm his internal anxiety, hurt or loss by attempting to manipulate his external environment.

Eventually the couple is enmeshed in the relationship and dependent on each other; however, this dependency does not calm the man's fear of loss. Rather it increases his fear of losing her.

He feels controlled by her, unable to escape and powerless. He increasingly becomes fearful, suspicious, and isolated. He gives up the few friends and outside activities he may have. In the end, he is trapped, not by his mate, but by his own fears, beliefs, and dependency needs.

For some women the enmeshment begins in the abusive relationship. For others, cognitive structures that developed as a result of their childhood experiences interlock like a jigsaw puzzle with analogous structures in their mate. These women have significant emotional and relationship problems that are not necessarily caused by but are increased by the abuse. This does not negate any responsibility of the perpetrator for the abuse. However, it does alert us to an interrelationship that should not be ignored.

Couples' therapy is not the treatment modality of choice for any abusive relationship. Often a counselor begins working with a couple unaware of the abuse and violence due to the façade presented by the couple.

Meeting with couples can be used to gather information, teach conflict management, teach communication skills or help solve a potentially explosive problem.

When abuse becomes apparent, we recommend only working with the couple after each has been involved in individual and group therapy to help the partners resolve their individual issues. The man needs to have reached a stage of self-control to tolerate his mate's talking about the abuse and violence in his presence without reacting with hostility and defensively.

When the abusive behavior is identified, the first step with abusive couples is to provide each person with education about abusive and violent relationships. The woman needs to understand that by accepting responsibility for her mate's abusive and violent acts, she has entered into the process that leads to isolation and an enmeshed relationship. Not having the power to exert direct control, she may have attempted to control by covert means, becoming less assertive and more manipulative.

The therapist must be sure the abused woman understands that, no matter how hard she tries and no matter what strategy she adopts, she cannot control her mate's abusiveness and violence.

Treatment also involves providing new methods for the couple of relating to each. Each should be taught techniques to block their own inappropriate responses and learn new and effective responses. Both must realize that they cannot control their partner's actions. It is a frightening proposition for both, for the woman must accept that she cannot stop her husband from assaulting her, and he must accept that he cannot stop her from leaving.

The therapist must bear in mind that in public, the abusive couple may present a façade to cover their volatile and destructive world. They may appear confident and self-sufficient. The man may seem successful and have a wide network of friends and activities. The woman may manage the home, children, and a social life, hold a job, play a part in community affairs, and have close friends, but the abuse is something she either has not disclosed or for which she has sought help in vain.

In addition, many abusers often have a fantasy life that few, if any, people outside of the immediate family know about. This fantasy world may include thoughts of violently assaulting people who impinge on their rights or imagining their partner's infidelity. Sometimes their hidden panic, fear, and rage break into the open, resulting in assault or homicide.

The real world of the abuser's family is often as hidden as his fantasy world. A woman in her mid-thirties told of the following:

Her husband was currently in a psychiatric hospital. He was moderately successful, earning about $50,000 a year. She was from an affluent family and he was from a poor family. She met him in her young adult life and married him against her parents' wishes. She was president of her local Parent-Teacher Association and was respected in the community. She was very attractive, educated, well dressed, and a good communicator. He was a good father and her parents had gradually come to accept him. This was the face presented to the world.

Her real world was different. The husband had told her on numerous occasions, “I am going to kill you.” He had sadistic fantasies and his violence involved choking her during sexual intercourse to the point of unconsciousness. She said she had learned to control his behavior after these episodes. Instead of crying and begging for mercy, she would tell him to go ahead. Her lack of begging stopped him. His threats and other violence were done within the confines of their bedroom. According to the victim, the children were not aware of this abuse, nor were her family or his.

These terrifying events were hidden behind a wall of fear, shame, and guilt. She saw her responsibility as protecting the children and holding the family together. Her family and church disapproved of divorce. She felt that she had made an irrevocable choice, and it was her job to make her marriage work even if it killed her.

Counseling couples where one or both members are abusive requires knowing this kind of reality exists and to actively seek out the information. With the constant specter of violence hanging over every interaction an abusive couple has, it is difficult for the counselor to protect the victim by giving her appropriate information while remaining objective.

The threat of violence and death are constant companions of the man, the counselor and, most important, the woman. Because of this, the woman must be considered a client in terms of the abuse and violence. The victim of abuse and violence should be able to talk with the therapist without fear of reprisal.

Couples' work with men who abuse is extremely difficult. However, if an abused woman insists on couples' counseling the best method is to have a male and female team of therapists, although cost prevents most couples from undertaking such therapy.

Again, if an abused woman insists on couples' counseling in spite of education about violence in the family, the therapist must find out if she is requesting couples' therapy only because it is the only method of therapy the perpetrator will accept. This calls for individual sessions to establish victim safety and her own goals for the couple.

Another reason for the woman wanting couples' therapy is that she may believe she is at fault. She may assume that because she plays a role in the conflict, she has a role in the violence. In this case the perpetrator needs to attend offender-specific therapy in order to stop his violence, before moving to couples' therapy.

Our experience with couples indicates that, as in many marriages, each partner has found in the other a behavior that allows each to repeat past interactions with parents in an attempt to resolve feelings originating from problems with parents that were never solved satisfactorily. To understand each couple's conflict, the therapist must have a precise understanding of cognitions associated with historical issues.

For example, a male client was reared in a family in which the mother was actively schizophrenic. The father failed to protect him from the mother's verbal assaults included calling him crazy, ugly, and a dumb asshole. To protect himself he eventually withdrew from the family. He remembers thinking that he would be “swallowed up” by his mother if he stayed.

As an adult, he developed several coping mechanisms to help him with his anxiety. He first kept his distance from people, and then he developed a routine that involved physical workouts on a strict schedule. He came to treatment after several years of abusing and battering his wife.

His wife had been reared in a family that lacked warmth and she was never able to please either parent. She was extremely despondent and needed continual attention. They formed an enmeshed relationship and had trouble individuating as adults.

This man's thoughts proceeded “If I withdraw, either she will leave me and find someone else, or she will act even worse when I come back. If I don't withdraw, she will swallow me up with her demands. I will lose myself.”

He would try to avoid conflict through withdrawal or by making agreements that he would not honor in any way. She would get increasingly angry and press him to meet some of her needs.

He was trapped, not only by her behavior and demands, which he felt unable to meet, but also by his conflicting beliefs. He would eventually explode, literally battering his way out of the perceived bind.

He resorted to the most primitive conflict resolution technique—brute force. Lacking knowledge of better alternatives for dealing with his conflict, he chose to batter rather than to flee entirely, since his usual method of coping, withdrawal, in his view would mean losing his wife.

Many men who batter will attempt avoidance first. If avoidance fails, they do not behave assertively but resort to aggressive responses.

The abusive man who eventually becomes violent with his partner has a deeply ingrained response to conflict that originated in his childhood. He does not feel able to handle conflict effectively. When he was a child his parents often placed him in “no win” situations and failed to provide the safety and care that a developing child needs. Figure A outlines the dilemma:

Figure A.

Child's Cognitions Parent's Behavior Child's Desired Goal
(Internal Process) (External Factors)

I am unable to provide for myself Mother's schizophrenia Safety
I am afraid of being alone Father's lack of protection Security
I am in need of parental guidance Love
I am afraid of asking for help Information
since I will be called dumb Dependency
Autonomy

He became trapped in this internal process as a result of his parents' behavior when he was a child and normal development was prevented.

This particular abuser can remember trying to talk to his mother. He would try to make her be sane and would spend hours attempting to get through. In the end, he remembers thinking he would lose himself if he did not withdraw. Withdrawal meant giving up his goal of communication with his mother.

When he finally met a woman who could provide the warmth, comfort, and love he did not get from his mother, it felt comfortable. Unfortunately the woman he chose was quite dependent and felt inadequate as a person. She would become upset over small problems and reported feeling “dead” when he failed to respond to requests like holding hands. Figure B depicts the client's new dilemma, analogous to that of his childhood:

Figure B.

Adult Abuser Partner's Batterer's Desired

Batterer's Cognitions Behavior Goals

I will be swallowed Assertive Love
I will lose myself Demanding Safety
I cannot survive alone Withdrawn Independence
She will abandon me Attacking
I do not know how to respond Submissive
to her overwhelming needs

Regardless of how his wife actually behaved, this man would at some point explode violently. However, some of her behavior closely resembled his mother's which seriously complicating their dynamics.

His wife narcissistically used friends, employers, and her counselor with little regard for their needs or feelings. Her adult structure is diagrammed as follows in figure C.

As the diagram indicates, she is trapped by her beliefs and her partner's behavior. If she stays in her marriage in its present form, she will not get love, safety, or companionship from her husband because he is not capable of providing them.

If she approaches him directly and acts assertively, there is a strong possibility that she will be beaten. She feels unable to leave her marriage because of her belief that she is not able to survive alone.

Figure C.

Re-victimized Partner's Desired
Adult Woman Cognitions Behavior Goals

In cannot survive alone Hitting Love
No one will love me Withdrawal Companionship
I cannot be strong—strong equals cold Jealousy Safety
Someone must take care of me Distrust
If they do not respond, I will tell them
they are failures at relating

She had adopted a strategy of giving, in order to get. She thought that if she just gave enough, then her turn for receiving would eventually come. This plan was not successful since the man could not and would not give.

When the woman's needs became great enough, she would angrily demand that he give to her. She would directly ask for contact, decision-making power, and nurturing from him. Her demands were not irrational, yet the feelings and thoughts associated with them often were. Her behavior was volatile and hysterical.

His strategy for survival was to maintain a high level of separation. This couple did not sleep together, and the man had control over all decision-making.

The more she pursued, the less willing he was to respond. The situation became a self-perpetuating circle from which the husband felt he could only escape using violence to control his wife. Eventually, unable to escape because of his conflicting needs and beliefs, he used violence to quell, hence control her.

Each partner in this marriage used maladaptive methods for getting control. He attempted to maintain control by monopolizing power over decisions and by ignoring outside influences and pressure.

She attempted to gain control by demanding that he alter his behavior and verbally attacked or threatened to withdraw from him if he refused. The result was a stalemate. This is common in abusive relationships of this type. Trapped by their own internal processes, each member of the abusing couple struggles to get the other to change.

An abusing partnership can be conceptualized as two people individually trapped between their own internal processes causing maladaptive behavior and those of their partner (figure D):

Figure D.

Internal Man or Partner's Goals
Process Woman Behavior

The partners have some goals in mind—safety, love, companionship, and sex. Each perceives the other as an obstacle to his or her goal. Rather than terminating the relationship, each attempts to change the partner. They use bribery, threats, manipulation.

In the case of the man, physical force and intimidation are used as a means of control. Without consulting her partner the woman assumes that he is open to negotiation. To gain control she will act with the idea that if she gives enough or alters her behavior, she is entitled to expect that he will change.

In this closed system, the abused woman is at a distinct disadvantage because commonly she is not as physically powerful as her mate. Ever mindful of insuring the victim's safety, the therapist should explore the meaning of statements from the woman like, “ I cannot survive alone.” Does she think her husband will kill her if she leaves? Is she reacting to her belief about the powerlessness of women in society or does her statement relate to childhood experiences?

Some abused women never experienced abuse or violence as children. Their cognitions are not influenced by trauma from the past but rather by familial and social expectations of women. Most women acculturated in the United States are bombarded with messages that they can never be pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or good enough to be successful. Moreover, many are taught that they are nothing without a man.

These assumptions give rise to thoughts such as “How did I let this happen?” “I can fix him,” “I need to preserve my husband's (or family's) reputation,” “If I leave, I'm a failure,” “I can't hurt my children by breaking up my family.” Therapeutic support and education about abuse may be sufficient in helping these women make important decisions regarding their relationships.

The counselor should avoid being perceived by the woman as a tool to get the abuser to change. Conversely, the counselor should avoid becoming another of the abuser's strategies to control the victim.

These couples need to understand violent relationships and then assume responsibility for the three things they can control—their own thoughts, responses, and behaviors. Neither partner can control or change the other person. The counselor must provide information and direction to both, asking that each focus on “I” rather than “you.”

Critical to couples' therapy is that the conflict is not the source of the violence. All relationships have some conflict. Addressing the conflict will reduce but not eliminate the abuser's impetus to violence.

Finally, no woman should be diagnosed as being dysfunctional without taking into account the dynamics of abusive relationships. She may recover her sense of autonomy and effectiveness rapidly if she moves out of the relationship.

An author who wrote about codependency defined a codependent person as “one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.” Because the concept of codependency fails to differentiate adequately between victim and victimizer, we do not recommend its use in counseling abusive couples.

The victim of abuse focuses on her abuser because she is trying to stay safe and alive. Telling an abused woman to detach could get her beaten or killed. The abuser does not want and actively resists any attempts by the victim to pull away.

Among acts that constitute codependency lists the following: doing something we really do not want to do, saying yes when we want to say no; doing something for someone who is capable of and should be doing it for him or herself, meeting people's needs without being asked, fixing people's feelings, doing people's thinking for them, suffering people's consequences for them, solving people's problems for them, and not asking for what we want, need, and desire. The battered woman does these behaviors not because she is codependent but because failure to meet the abuser's “needs” or confronting him about his behavior is dangerous.

Several years ago we asked an audience primarily composed of alcohol treatment providers to generate a list of descriptors for a codependent, for a victim of violence in the family and for a perpetrator of violence in the family. The many similarities in the descriptions (figure E) illustrate how codependency, as a concept, fails to differentiate between a victim and a perpetrator; showing it is dangerous to apply this concept to individuals at risk of violence or death.

Figure E.

Comparison of Codependent Versus Victim/
Perpetrator of Violence in the Relationship

Codependent Victim of the violence Perpetrator of the violence

Feels victimized Feels victimized Feels victimized
Focused on other Focused on other Focused on other and self
Has low self-worth Has low self-worth Has low self-worth
Minimizes Minimizes Minimizes
Denies Denies Denies
Represses feeling Represses feeling Represses feeling
Dependent Dependent Dependent
Angry Suppresses anger Vents anger and rage
Powerless Powerless Pseudo power through verbal, emotional and physical abuse
Controlling Controlled Controller
Fearful about the Fearful about safety and Fearful about the relationship
relationship relationship—despair
Obsessed about relationship Obsessed about survival Obsessed about the victim
Self-justifying Self-blaming (justify batterer) Self-justifying (blames victim)
Isolated Isolated (deprived of support) Isolating and isolated
Doubts own reality Proposes he sees only correct version of reality
Believes escape impossible Omnipotent (entitled to rule)
Humiliated Dominating
Compliant Compliant Enforces demands
Injured Physically Violent

Attributing a woman's behavior to codependency when she is living with an abuser ignores the duress she is under to accommodate his slightest whim. In an abusive or violent relationship, the first issue to address is the violence, not codependency. The individual who is being abused should not be stigmatized and assign responsibility for behavior generated by threat of injury.

For professionals who see utility in the concept of codependency, we request that they first stop the abuse and violence. After that, the client can work on other issues, such as codependency.

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